I Saw Myself #TheHalfofIt

I’m here still drying my tears after watching the movie #TheHalfofIt , and after reading @Santanareads stunning piece on why this movie is a love story here. Many people have said many things about this movie. I just don’t agree with them but I agree with Caro. Im taking a leap of off their bravery because I am actually terrified to type this.

What I saw in that movie is a part of myself that I hide away often, one that I rarely speak out loud, much less write about even though the sentence has been following me around for weeks like it’s been begging me to write it. Aster comes from a conservative family, sure, but the questioning, the doubt, the confusion, the uncertainty can come from oneself too.

Periodically for many years I have laid in bed wondering, thinking, if I also like women, how much do I really like men, to what extent, its like a nagging thought that I never have the answer to. If I am being honest, I still don’t have the answer. Is it ridiculous that I a 28 year old doesn’t have the answer to this and many other questions about herself? maybe. but here I am not any less real than the people out there who understand themselves fully.

Seeing Aster and Ellie, be brave even when there were so many uncertainties broke my heart and at the same time lit it up because there is hope. Seeing the best friend understand that there is more than one way to love filled my soul. My identity (Asexual/Demisexual/Grey-Ace) and the way I love and how I choose to love has literally affected every relationship I have ever had not because I wasn’t sure of myself but because many people think there is only one right way to love, one right way to be in a relationship with someone else.

I love slowly, I love carefully, I love deeply, and like Aster said the way Ellie wrote the letters made her feel unsafe, because she sounded so sure of her feelings of who she was. I guess you could say loving me is unsafe, because if I love you I am sure of it, and that can be scary. but like Ellie, I hope one day my unsafe letters connect with someone who isn’t afraid to write letters back. That is the hope of this movie.

It maybe wasn’t the romance you wanted, but it was the love story some of us needed, and for that I will be forever grateful. A love story that was messy, that made you confront your fears, confront yourself and your prejudices and come out a better person , a happier person.

That in itself is a happy ending.

4 thoughts on “I Saw Myself #TheHalfofIt”

  1. Nat, I love that you felt seen in this movie because I felt the same, and can’t get it out of my head, you are so brave for posting this and I am proud of you


  2. This is an amazing post, Natalia! I’m so happy you felt so seen in the movie, and I think one of the things it does best is trascend generations. Its impact isn’t going unnoticed ❤
    And yes, it’s okay if you haven’t figured things out completely! That doesn’t make you any less queer or any less you. You are valid and loved 💗


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